This morning, I told colleagues that in the previous few minutes, I’d revealed a part of my self to them that I almost did not. When describing what had been happening, I’d almost said how I exposed myself but I opted to not say that to a group of four women and one man because expose has that innuendo and the significance of an immoral and illegal act of public indecency.
There are so many subtleties in these words that come out of my mouth. These split second decisions and quick reflections led me to consider the synonyms and nuances between revealed, exposed, seen and how being seen requires that I am not invisible or unseen and when I can no longer hide some facet of my body or my beliefs as they are now out touched and touching the nitrogen in the air that surrounds us.
In the early chapters of A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, there is a passage where Willem believes that his energy body can function like a cloak allowing him to move through public spaces without being seen by the public despite his celebrity and facial recognition. I was intrigued by this bit of character development. At the time, I couldn’t quite comprehend how that contributed to the plot but it offered a shade of his personality. Now that I’m in the last chapter(s) of the book, I’ve learned that Willem was wrong — or that what may have once been true was no longer his reality all those chapters, and the corresponding years, later. He’d deluded himself into thinking that he had a power of invisibility that is no longer accurate. Maybe it was so and true in the early chapters when he’s younger — maybe in his 30s — and now that he is in his late 40s, that is no longer true.
These few moments this morning, layered on top of the fiction that’s been on the box beside my bed for a month, elicited these meanings:
- to be seen
- hiding
- masking
I am coming into new insights of what i choose to reveal — like the dementia afflicting my mother; how tumultuous experiences of puberty when multiple boys fought me at school, when some of them were seeking to protect their sisters by attacking me; how that predicament was impacted by me not learn any martial art or other forms of physical fighting — and how i choose to hide. Still. Even when hiding keeps me from having the connection and meaning that i believe that i want.
So, going into the specifics of these synonyms, there are new doorways that open to me:
expose (verb): 1. to lay open to danger, attack, harm, etc. 2. to lay open to something specified. 3. to uncover or bare to the air, cold, etc. 4. to present to view; exhibit, display. 5. to make known, disclose, or reveal (intentions, secrets, etc.).
hide (verb): 1. to conceal from sight; prevent from being seen or discovered. 2. to obstruct the view of; cover up. 3. to conceal from knowledge or exposure; keep secret.
invisible (adjective): 1. not visible; not perceptible by the eye. 2. withdrawn from or out of sight; hidden. 3. not perceptible or discernible by the mind. 4. not ordinarily found in financial statements or reflected in statistics or a listing. 5. concealed from public knowledge.
reveal (verb): 1. to make known; disclose; divulge. 2. to lay open to view; display; exhibit. (noun) 3. an act or instance of revealing; revelation; discourse. 4. (a) the part of the jamb of a window or door opening between the outer wall surface adn the window or door frame. (b) the whole jamb of an opening between the outer and inner surfaces of a wall. 5. the framework or edge of an automobile window.
seen: past participle of see >> 1. to perceive with the eyes; look at. 2. to view; visit or attend as a spectator. 3. to perceive by means of computer vision. 4. to scan or view, especially by electronic means. 5. to perceive (things) mentally; discern; understand. 6. to construct a mental image of; visualize. 7 .to accept or imagine or suppose as acceptable. 8. to be cognizant of; recognize. 9. to foresee. 10. to ascertain, learn, or find out. 11. to have knowledge or experience of. 12. to make sure. 13. to meet and converse with. 14. to receive as a visitor. 15. to visit. 16. to court, keep company with, or date frequently. 17. to provide aid or assistance to; take care of. 18. to attend or escort. 19. to match (a bet) or match the bet of (a bettor) by staking an equal sum; call. 20. to prefer (someone or something) to be as indicated (usually used as a mild oath).
unseen (adjective): 1. not seen; unperceived; unobserved; invisible. 2. recognized or comprehended without prior study, as a written text or musical score.
So this writing here is to show and see and be seen. To remember to write as an assist to myself to both synthesize what happened this morning as well as remind myself of more words and new doorways that the forgotten words provide me if I choose to enter them into my vernacular.
To not only be seen, but to be remembered.
washing dishes: a father’s glimpses 