Being patient, loyal, passionate, and stubborn, I’ve been delighted to be distinguished as a Taurus for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember at what age I learned about the messy Venn Diagram that is zodiac and constellations, even before that is coupled with the 12 animals of the Lunar (fka Chinese) calendar, but I was smitten with my assignment as one of the large mammals — just as I’ve gravitated to bison, hippo, elephant, humpback in the decades since.
Being patient and loyal, I’ve been slow moving, except for the times when I’ll be swift. But, as I wrinkle further, I am softening about how I endure certain people, surroundings, and behaviors for long stretches, long after I noted that there were limits, pitfalls, if not danger in being too close, too reliant to people on other paths. 20 years ago, I used to second guess and afterwards I would wonder (in an irritated way) why I put up with some stupid shenanigans for so long. Shenanigans being euphemism for bullshit.
Just over a decade ago, one job came to an abrupt close when a board member got into the domain settings and blocked me from my own inbox. I took a hundred or so names and email addresses that they couldn’t deny me, and wrote them from a personal account with a subject line of: as one door closes, another opens.
I’m at another fork in this mountain trail, where the one I’ve been on is impassable with a doorway closed. And among my first feelings was a huge sense of relief. There had been hiccups, obstacles, animosity, attempts at control, confusions of consent granted or given or warranted, festering feelings left unexpressed that foment into resentment.
I’ve had Kid Cudi’s Just What I Am on heavy rotation throughout autumn, which has been giving me language for what’s been coming:
But, I can’t fold, some poor soul got it way worse
We’re all troubled, in a world of trouble
It’s scary to have a kid walk this Earth
I’m what you made God, fuck yes I’m so odd
Thinking ’bout all my old friends who weren’t my friends all along
Just last week, I described myself both as “an oddball” and “a known entity.” And, I’m still discerning who is a friend, who is not a friend, and who was not a friend even if I told myself that they were one. As I learned in high school, Bismarck asserted that there are no permanent allies, just one’s own interests. I’d add that we each have our own priorities and purpose, and more often than not, they do not align with those of the people around us.
washing dishes: a father’s glimpses 